Its all been about screaming out to people what I CAN do. "Listen to me!", "I can sing too!" and about "getting an audience". Bah!
How egotistical.
Some days back, a dear friend from high school- Janani- requested me to sing the song "bhor bhayi" by bade ghulam ali khan. Very enthusiastically, I checked out the youtube link she gave me, of the Delhi 6 version rendered by Shreya Ghoshal. I heard the song and was dazed for a while. Then I heard it again. And then again.
The next day, with a lot of reluctance, I started to try singing it. I am glad I did that, for two reasons: one, it made me realize the greatness of the singers even more, and two, it made me realize, all over again, how grossly inadequate I was. After a whole day of trying to perfect it, I'm left feeling so angry and disappointed with myself. So angry that I want to say out loud, that here is something I CANNOT do.
All this while, I respected Shreya for the golden, silken, flawless voice she had. And that was it. People had often told me that my tone was similar to her's, and having covered some of her songs, I thought I wasn't too far behind. HAHAHAHAHA.
This song- bhor bhayi just made my respect for her go up ten times. This girl can SING! Wish I could do half as well as her.
Okay, time I stopped and gave the link to I am talking about:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gM2NkPOOd84&feature=related
You know what's worse: the mind knows it all- this is Gujari Thodi- Thodi minus pa (i.e Shubhapantuvarali in Carnatic minus pa); so there's no grounding, M2 to D1 transition is difficult; starting phrase itself is dmdndmgrs at lightning speed. The mind understands it completely. But the vocal chords don't. It is SO annoying.
Janani- I'm sorry; I hope there comes a day when I've mastered this song.
On the other hand, sometimes (many a time actually), I feel I should just get into music research and stop singing. Or at least stop till I get somewhere close to where I want to be, with my singing. But no, the Ego won't let me do that. I'll be happy if my ego even lets this post remain to see the next day.
8 comments:
Tell me about it. At least you get that feeling only when you hear the top names. When I hear the songs I did myself and compare it with other amateur singers I feel like keeping mum! And it's kind of depressing too. In many ways that I felt that I am a mediocre in everything I do. In life and music in general and sometimes feel that I should stop everything and get back to myself. :-)
Jo- no, no, its not just top names that give me this feeling! I just happened to write about this one case... why- so many times, even fellow bloggers have given me quite a complex :) But everything is like that- we have to go on I guess... :)
Hey Sindhu..
I am sure you ll be able to sing it shortly...And I am waiting for that day....
Just imagine lesser mortals like us.. who just can listen to music and cannot sing...
You guys out here are doing great work !!!
Listening to you guys wants to make me sing.. but unfortunately .. I cant..Cuz I guess i do not have a good voice....
At least i get to listen to good numbers from u guys.. different voice.. Nice innovations... I love it...
Sindhuja,
I think the humility with which you have written this blog piece will take you much further out. I believe that humility will always make the artist seek perfection always.
smitha
There is no need to be depressed. Just add that song to the wishlist to master and proceed optimistically toward it.
That is how you have come this far.
Thank you, Jan, Swara and Murali!
Totally appreciate the humility...i bet even the best masters have wishlists! Its both enlightening and humbling to assess the boundaries of your abilities!
Btw, I think the fact that Shreya is trained in Hindustani music explains her ease with such a piece. With respect to Hindustani music, your training does not match hers, so, why compare and despair? But it would be a good idea to start of with thumris and khayals that are less difficult, I guess!
R.D.Burman's "Raina Beeti Jaaye" from Amar Prem was composed in the same raaga - Gujri Todi, although the raaga changes in between. But may be perfecting something like that and then proceeding to thumris in same raaga can make you assimilate the aesthetics properly i think. Ofcourse, I am a mere lay man giving you a suggestion out of my small understanding. :-)
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